If You Don't Speak Abbreviated Japanese Then You Are a Loser! Fluent in Japanese and Still Don't Understand What People Are Talking About? Join the Club!

The Japanese like to abbreviate their language all the time. It's called "省略語” (sho-ryaku-go) and means exactly "abbreviated language." The Japanese abbreviate everything. It drives me crazy.

Needless to say the curriculum at my Japanese language school was a tad bit outdated.

Especially the younger Japanese. They use abbreviations of common words in daily language all the time. It's gotten so bad that I often have a hard time understanding what they are talking about. Funny thing is that it seems many Japanese people have the same problem. 


While being far from a Japanese conversation master, I do know how to hold your basic run of the mill conversation in standard everyday Japanese... 


Let me prove it to you. For example:


"Good morning, Suzuki san, how are you?"


"I'm fine. Thank you."


"No. I haven't been having problems with hemorrhoids recently. And you?"


"Good day!"


See? Pretty good, eh? Of course I translated that conversation into English for you as most readers of this blog don't speak Japanese. But it takes a pretty diligent student student of Japanese language to know words like "hemorrhoids" (or an urgent need to know the word - or repetition of said need - so that one can explain quickly to a doctor!)

I think I'd have a tad bit of a problem teaching this English to my female students.

So, I'm pretty slick when it comes to jowling with the locals. But, when it comes to modern dialect that includes common abbreviated lingo and vernacular, I haven't a clue as to what people are talking about! It's maddening especially with new words that come into the Japanese dialect and then are twisted beyond recognition.

About a year ago, I was on the train using my iTouch and some guy scowled at me starting angrily pointing at me. He was asking me something but I couldn't understand what he was talking about. He kept pointing at me and asking, "Is that a sumaho?" "Is that a sumaho?" 「スマホ ですか？」I didn't know what the hell he was talking about! Then he touched my iTouch and repeated, "Is that a sumaho?" He told me to turn it off! 


Later on I figured out that "sumaho" was the abbreviated word for "smart phone." He was asking me, "Is that a smart-phone?" 


It wasn't a smart phone but an iTouch looks exactly like an iPhone which is a smart phone so I turned it off. He was really mad!


The Japanese like to abbreviate everything! I can't keep up. So many times people will be talking about something and then a new word comes up and I haven't a clue as to what they are saying. I remember a few years back this dumb 25-something year old girl that I had to work with spoke like a 13-year-old dippy student. She would say, "Me and my friends are going to meet at maru-kyu."


"My friends and me!" Dumb broad! Jeez! Brought up under a rock!... Anyway, "Maru-kyu," I'd find out later was the famous Japanese department store 109, usually called "ichi-maru-kyu." That dumb girl and her friends were too busy to say "ichi" (one) so they dropped the "one" and just kept the "oh - nine" as in "maru-kyu." No one else besides her small circle of friends would have any idea what she was talking about.


...That's okay, though. That girl was so daft that half the time she didn't know what she was talking about either! 

Probably very dumb but wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating rice crackers

Several years ago, I used to have this same problem at Japanese radio stations. One girl kept talking about "Sumapa." I didn't know what she was talking about. She said she loved "Sumapa". She meant Smashing Pumpkins! And every Japanese under 40 knows that "Misu-chiru" is the Japanese Pop band, Mister Children.


There's a million and one of these abbreviations and they've been coming faster and faster as technology and the Internet progress. Many years ago, "pasonaru konpuuta" (personal computer) was abbreviated into "paso-kon." That one was easy to figure out. A wireless controller for radio controlled devices "rajio kontororu" (radio control) became "raji-kon." And, my favorite, and everyone else's, Loilta Complex became "rori-kon." (I've always wondered why Lolita Complex was such a heavily used word that we needed an abbreviated version for, but, well, this is Japan.)

But yesterday, while sitting on the train, I overheard a conversation between two high school girls who were sitting next to me talking very loudly and I wondered if their mothers wouldn't wash those mouths out with soap if they heard what they were saying. I was shocked!


They were talking about a friend and they said, "ona-chu." Yes! They did! I heard it. I was shocked! Here were two extremely cute sexy Japanese high school girls in their sailor uniforms talking about what goes on in their bedrooms without a care in the world! 


Of course, I had never heard that word, "ona-chu," before but knowing how the Japanese like to abbreviate their words, I could figure out what they were saying! "Ona" means "Onani." "Onani" means, "to masturbate." "Chu" means "in the middle of" or "center." I figured that these two high school girls were talking about being in the middle of masturbation!!! Oh stay my beating heart!


I cleared my throat and tried to act like nonchalant. I looked around at the other folks sitting down next to the girls and across the aisle. One lady was reading a book. A guy was sleeping on the other side of the girls. A few other people were standing. Two old ladies sat right across from me, staring at me and not saying a word. I wondered what those old ladies were thinking? It wasn't my fault these two high school girls were talking about being in the middle of masturbation! No one else seemed surprised by these girl's conversation except me. 

The conversation was making me nervous. I loosened my neck tie and wiped a bit of sweat from my brow. When, suddenly, they said it again! Only this time very loudly! They were even laughing about it! Those sex-starved little kittens!


Well, my train station came up and I quickly jumped off the train before it got even hotter in there. And, on reflection, I began to really come to realize that all these comic books fetishes and fantasies of these dorky guys in Japan were probably true about sexy Japanese high school girls! They wanted it and they wanted it all the time! They even spoke about it and did it freely on the train and no one else seemed to care! Extraordinary!


Later on I cooled down a bit and tried to control my fluster with a cold shower as soon as I got home. I began to tell my wife about how far Japanese kids have fallen into degradation and sin. I began to tell her about, "ona-chu."


But before I could start, she interrupted me and said, "Oh? Ona-chu, means 'onaji - chugakko.'" 


"Onaji" means "the same." "Chugakko" means "junior high school." The girls weren't talking about someone in the midst of masturbation, but from the same junior high school!


Weird, eh? How is it that, just after I mention, "Lolita complex" and then  "sexy Japanese high school girls in sailor uniforms" you could confuse their purely innocent conversation about school friends into one of ribalry and wild scenes in your head of sex and self-gratification with sexy Japanese high school girls?


You pervert!


For some reason, this is dedicated to my friend Roger Marshall

The Japanese Idea of "Freedom" and an American's Idea of "Freedom" is Different

The average Japanese doesn't know how good they've got it. In Japan, crime is virtually non-existent, the police don't hassle people (never hear of "police brutality") and one can feel safe in their own neighborhood at night. America is not a free country at all anymore. Nevertheless, I often meet Japanese people who have been to the United States and they tell me that they love the country because it is "freedom."

I've come to the conclusion that the idea of what "freedom" is to a Japanese person is different from what "freedom" is to an American.


The Japanese confuse "wide open spaces" with "freedom."


Watch the video below of the famous Japanese girl's group, "Puffy." This video was shot in the USA. This is pretty indicative of what Japanese people consider "freedom." Watch it for a minute.

You see? Wide roads, convertible cars the size of boats, wide open spaces, Statue of Liberty, California palm trees, having a big assed dog, sandy beaches, Los Angeles freeways, driving out in the middle of the desert... These are the things that represent "freedom" to a Japanese.


What represents "freedom" to an American? Well, of course I can't speak for all Americans, but huge cars, big dogs, sandy beaches and Los Angeles freeways (as well as concrete statues) do not represent freedom to me in the least.


Freedom is, to me, is the ability to walk down the street in a major city and smoke a cigarette (I don't smoke) or drink in public or to be able to walk out of my house any time at night or day without the oppression or fear that I am going to be attacked or robbed... And that means being attacked or robbed by criminals or the police, but I repeat myself. These are all things taken for granted in Japan. 


Freedom is, to me, to be able to do what I want as long as I don't interfere with other people or bother them. Or to not have other people or the police infringe upon me for no apparent reason.


Freedom is not the United States in 2012 that is for sure.


Sandy Beaches in California? Sure. Just make sure you don't barbecue or throw a Frisbee or a football or dig too deep a sand castle on an Los Angeles beach. It's now a $100 dollar fine if you do.


CBS reports in LA County Updates Ordinance on Ball, Frisbee Throwing at beaches:

According to Lucy Kim, from the LA County Department of Beaches and Harbors, a first-time offender will have to pay a $100 fine. For a second offense, beach-goers will face a $200 fine. Three or more infractions within one year will result in a $500 fine, Kim said.

The new ball and Frisbee tossing rules will be relaxed during the winter off-season.

The ordinance also prohibits digging any hole deeper than 18 inches into the sand, except where permission is granted for film and TV production services only.

♫ The home of the brave... 

and the land...of the... freeeeeeeeeeeee! ♫

Right! They are going to relax the rules in winter off-season... Great! Nobody goes to the beach in winter off-season!


Of course throwing a Frisbee or football at the beach isn't the complete or comprehensive definition of freedom. Nor is children being able to make sand castles as they wish; neither is the ability to drink or smoke at the beach (neither of which is legal on California State beaches). But I think these are pretty symptomatic of a very un-free country.


Freedom in Japan today blows away freedom in the USA today... Evidence? Here, here, here, here, here and here, just to point out a few.


We can drink and smoke in public, throw Frisbees and make sand castles as we please... Heck, we even have convertible cars too... Admittedly we're a tad bit short on the wide roads department but we have the best public transit and train and subway system in the entire world to make up for that.


Probably not the perfect definition of freedom, but a heck of a lot closer than today's USA is.

John Belushi, Japan and Me - or How the Movie Animal House Changed My Life

John Belushi and I have a long running, very old relationship. Seriously, we do. I first "met" John Belushi in 1975 on the set of Saturday Night Live. He wasn't famous then but John Belushi would go on to influence my life greatly since that time. Of course, when I say, "met," I don't mean in person. We only met on the TV screen..


Let me explain the intricate details of how John Belushi influenced my life and how his life and mine have intertwined repeatedly over all these years... Mostly through excessive drinking, humor and an unshaven, slovenly lifestyle... John Belushi made me see that, if you want to do something great, you just can't follow the rules. You have to break those rules... And you have to be decisive in doing so... No matter what the bosses or "authorities" say, you have to be wild and outrageous if you want to do something really special and unique.


If you want to be special and do something really different, then you can't do what everyone else is doing. You have to go for the "gusto!" Watching John Belushi taught me to do that... Sometimes, it got me in big trouble with bosses, but the results have always been good. Like Francis Ford Coppola once said, "The things you get fired for at 20-years-old, are the things you are celebrated for at 50-years-old." I want to be celebrated. Who doesn't? Life is short.


Because of my former job producing and co-hosting the highest rated and most popular FM radio morning drive time show in Tokyo, Good Morning Garage (GMG) from 2006 ~ 2009, I still, to this day, sometimes meet people who know who I am and ask for my autograph. No! Really! I do! I'm not making this up. Honest! Please believe me! Really! Would I lie to you?


Had I never "met" John Belushi, nor been so influenced by him, this situation would have never happened.

ANIMAL HOUSE (1978)

Animal House came out in 1978. I graduated from HS in 1975 then went to city college and worked for two years before seeing this movie. Because of this film, I decided that I just HAD to go to university. I did join a frat too... But they kicked me out after a few weeks... Losers!

It is proof that that morning FM radio show was hugely popular because people don't usually know what radio DJ's look like, but that show was so popular that we were sometimes on TV and in magazines too! So some people knew our faces and what we looked like.


But let me continue the story...


One time, about a year or two ago, I was riding the train home and, across from me sat a young, pretty housewife. She looked at me and smiled several times. She even said "Hi!" I figured she was a fan of the former show and so I said, "Hi!" back. She kept on smiling and acting embarrassed and shy. I smiled.


"Gee!" I thought... I wonder if she is the type for some "randy" action? You never know about these radio-show-fan women! I wondered what it would be like to "Get it on, bang a gong, get it on" with her?" I mused like Marc Bolan on a majestic white steed. 


The train ride continued and she kept smiling shyly at me and I smiled back while imagining all sorts of "games." I kept fantasizing about me and her going on a whirlwind date and drinking and making wild love together... Even though she wasn't really my type, I supposed that she might be hot love in the sack.


When the train reached my stop I got up to get off. To my surprise, so did she. We both walked to the train door and, as we walked off the train she said, "You probably don't remember me..."


"Of course, I do..." I glanced her a impish grin. I figured she was a fan and, well, who knows where that could lead too? I leaned dangerously close to her like a lecherous cartoon fox so where we could have closer eye contact... My right eyebrow curled with menacing approval.... 


She bubbled, "I'm a good friend of Yuka, your wife. I'm in the neighborhood mothers association. I've even been to your house before. Remember?"


I immediately stood up straight and began rubbing my eyes. I sneezed. "Allergies, you know!... I, er, uh,..." One second I was within 1 foot of her, the next second I was six feet apart... Of course, I remember!" I gasped. "Your name is.... er...?"


She told me her first name (can't remember what it was) but I acted like I knew the first name. I asked her what her last name was! She told me that too, but I can't remember that either.... Oh well...


So, you see. I sort of have to be careful with what I am doing... For one, I can't have my wife's friend's gossiping about how I am having affairs with all sorts of women when I am not - excepting in my imagination... And for two, I'm so bad with names and faces that I think it might suck royally if I wake up in bed in some hotel with some woman only to realize it's my next door neighbor... 


Now that might be bad for public relations and neighborhood tranquility...


Now, you might ask, "Mike! What does this have to do with John Belushi?" Not much on the surface, perhaps, but it does have very much to do with him if you dig down deep into the past...


Here's why...


About an hour ago, I was at a supermarket buying a couple of bottles of booze. (Disclaimer: I was already a tad bit drunk). There, a young housewife looked at me several times and smiled. I smiled back.


She looked at me and smiled again at me several times. "Wow! She's definitely my type! The old Rogers magic is still there!" I thought. 


"Until we meet again!" I thought as I walked out the store. She smiled again as I walked out and looked back.


Then I came home and looked in the mirror. My eyes are bad. Maybe she wasn't smiling. Maybe she was laughing.


Or, since all gaijins looks alike, maybe that lady thought I was John Belushi.

(Left) John Belushi in Animal House: Unshaven. Hair fashionably a disaster. I've always liked that guy. (Right) Me: Unshaven. Hair fashionably a disaster.

This might seem like it has zero to do with Japan, but looks can be deceiving. This has a lot to do with me and Japan and here's why:

If I had never seen the movie Animal House, I'd have never gone to university. Had I never gone to university, I'd have never met all those hot Japanese girls at my dormitory. Had I not met them, I'd have never gotten interested in studying Japanese. 

Had I not studied Japanese, I'd have never met my Japanese wife. Had I not met her, I'd have never gone to Japan. Had I not gone to Japan, I'd have never moved here.

Typical Japanese University Student

(Yukie Kawamura)

Had I not moved here, I'd have not had my rendezvous with fate tonight with that hot young housewife who smiled at me.

Had our hearts not met for a few moments tonight, I'd have not have thought about John Belushi. Had I not thought about John Belushi, I'd have not looked in the mirror.

Had I not looked in the mirror, I wouldn't have immediately had a shave and now, because of shaving and showering, I look "normal" (well, as normal as I can look!) I have to look normal because guests are coming over.

I hate being normal.

I love John Belushi.

And now you know about John Belushi and me. When was John Belushi ever "normal"? I don't want to be normal... So that's why he is my hero and my life's inspiration.... And that's how Animal House changed my life...

Oh, and Repo-Man reinforced those changes...

"Look at 'em, ordinary fucking people, I hate 'em." - Bud (from Repo-Man)

*NOTE: Of course the stories about the women being interested in me and vice versa are all a part of any writer's (or drunk's) vivid imagination and artistic license... These events are not to be confused with actual events....

Good Morning Garage blog is here.

Good Morning Garage Myspace is here.

Thanks to George Williams, Taro Furukawa, Hiroko Wakana, Takatoshi Uchiyama, Megane kun and all the GMG fans