If You Don't Speak Abbreviated Japanese Then You Are a Loser! Fluent in Japanese and Still Don't Understand What People Are Talking About? Join the Club!

The Japanese like to abbreviate their language all the time. It's called "省略語” (sho-ryaku-go) and means exactly "abbreviated language." The Japanese abbreviate everything. It drives me crazy.

Needless to say the curriculum at my Japanese language school was a tad bit outdated.

Especially the younger Japanese. They use abbreviations of common words in daily language all the time. It's gotten so bad that I often have a hard time understanding what they are talking about. Funny thing is that it seems many Japanese people have the same problem. 


While being far from a Japanese conversation master, I do know how to hold your basic run of the mill conversation in standard everyday Japanese... 


Let me prove it to you. For example:


"Good morning, Suzuki san, how are you?"


"I'm fine. Thank you."


"No. I haven't been having problems with hemorrhoids recently. And you?"


"Good day!"


See? Pretty good, eh? Of course I translated that conversation into English for you as most readers of this blog don't speak Japanese. But it takes a pretty diligent student student of Japanese language to know words like "hemorrhoids" (or an urgent need to know the word - or repetition of said need - so that one can explain quickly to a doctor!)

I think I'd have a tad bit of a problem teaching this English to my female students.

So, I'm pretty slick when it comes to jowling with the locals. But, when it comes to modern dialect that includes common abbreviated lingo and vernacular, I haven't a clue as to what people are talking about! It's maddening especially with new words that come into the Japanese dialect and then are twisted beyond recognition.

About a year ago, I was on the train using my iTouch and some guy scowled at me starting angrily pointing at me. He was asking me something but I couldn't understand what he was talking about. He kept pointing at me and asking, "Is that a sumaho?" "Is that a sumaho?" 「スマホ ですか？」I didn't know what the hell he was talking about! Then he touched my iTouch and repeated, "Is that a sumaho?" He told me to turn it off! 


Later on I figured out that "sumaho" was the abbreviated word for "smart phone." He was asking me, "Is that a smart-phone?" 


It wasn't a smart phone but an iTouch looks exactly like an iPhone which is a smart phone so I turned it off. He was really mad!


The Japanese like to abbreviate everything! I can't keep up. So many times people will be talking about something and then a new word comes up and I haven't a clue as to what they are saying. I remember a few years back this dumb 25-something year old girl that I had to work with spoke like a 13-year-old dippy student. She would say, "Me and my friends are going to meet at maru-kyu."


"My friends and me!" Dumb broad! Jeez! Brought up under a rock!... Anyway, "Maru-kyu," I'd find out later was the famous Japanese department store 109, usually called "ichi-maru-kyu." That dumb girl and her friends were too busy to say "ichi" (one) so they dropped the "one" and just kept the "oh - nine" as in "maru-kyu." No one else besides her small circle of friends would have any idea what she was talking about.


...That's okay, though. That girl was so daft that half the time she didn't know what she was talking about either! 

Probably very dumb but wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating rice crackers

Several years ago, I used to have this same problem at Japanese radio stations. One girl kept talking about "Sumapa." I didn't know what she was talking about. She said she loved "Sumapa". She meant Smashing Pumpkins! And every Japanese under 40 knows that "Misu-chiru" is the Japanese Pop band, Mister Children.


There's a million and one of these abbreviations and they've been coming faster and faster as technology and the Internet progress. Many years ago, "pasonaru konpuuta" (personal computer) was abbreviated into "paso-kon." That one was easy to figure out. A wireless controller for radio controlled devices "rajio kontororu" (radio control) became "raji-kon." And, my favorite, and everyone else's, Loilta Complex became "rori-kon." (I've always wondered why Lolita Complex was such a heavily used word that we needed an abbreviated version for, but, well, this is Japan.)

But yesterday, while sitting on the train, I overheard a conversation between two high school girls who were sitting next to me talking very loudly and I wondered if their mothers wouldn't wash those mouths out with soap if they heard what they were saying. I was shocked!


They were talking about a friend and they said, "ona-chu." Yes! They did! I heard it. I was shocked! Here were two extremely cute sexy Japanese high school girls in their sailor uniforms talking about what goes on in their bedrooms without a care in the world! 


Of course, I had never heard that word, "ona-chu," before but knowing how the Japanese like to abbreviate their words, I could figure out what they were saying! "Ona" means "Onani." "Onani" means, "to masturbate." "Chu" means "in the middle of" or "center." I figured that these two high school girls were talking about being in the middle of masturbation!!! Oh stay my beating heart!


I cleared my throat and tried to act like nonchalant. I looked around at the other folks sitting down next to the girls and across the aisle. One lady was reading a book. A guy was sleeping on the other side of the girls. A few other people were standing. Two old ladies sat right across from me, staring at me and not saying a word. I wondered what those old ladies were thinking? It wasn't my fault these two high school girls were talking about being in the middle of masturbation! No one else seemed surprised by these girl's conversation except me. 

The conversation was making me nervous. I loosened my neck tie and wiped a bit of sweat from my brow. When, suddenly, they said it again! Only this time very loudly! They were even laughing about it! Those sex-starved little kittens!


Well, my train station came up and I quickly jumped off the train before it got even hotter in there. And, on reflection, I began to really come to realize that all these comic books fetishes and fantasies of these dorky guys in Japan were probably true about sexy Japanese high school girls! They wanted it and they wanted it all the time! They even spoke about it and did it freely on the train and no one else seemed to care! Extraordinary!


Later on I cooled down a bit and tried to control my fluster with a cold shower as soon as I got home. I began to tell my wife about how far Japanese kids have fallen into degradation and sin. I began to tell her about, "ona-chu."


But before I could start, she interrupted me and said, "Oh? Ona-chu, means 'onaji - chugakko.'" 


"Onaji" means "the same." "Chugakko" means "junior high school." The girls weren't talking about someone in the midst of masturbation, but from the same junior high school!


Weird, eh? How is it that, just after I mention, "Lolita complex" and then  "sexy Japanese high school girls in sailor uniforms" you could confuse their purely innocent conversation about school friends into one of ribalry and wild scenes in your head of sex and self-gratification with sexy Japanese high school girls?


You pervert!


For some reason, this is dedicated to my friend Roger Marshall

Anti-Crime (Anti-Yakuza) Laws in Japan Completely Insane - Yakuza gangsters (or those suspected of ties) can't play golf, go to Disneyland, eat McDonald's or order Domino's Pizza either! Idiotic laws!

I've railed repeatedly on the idiotic laws in this country concerning the Yazuka gangsters, prostitution, gambling, drug laws and other areas of wasteful public spending trying to control morality, and other victimless "crimes," but today I found one more law that just takes the cake.

Before, someone pointed out to me that the Yakuza are involved with human trafficking and I think that the Japanese police might be useful in putting a stop to that. But, like in yesterday's article about arresting a restaurant owner because his girls (supposed waitresses) were sitting down at table and talking with customers, I think the laws on the books are absurd. Trying to stop Human Trafficking? Okay. Stopping victimless "crimes"? No.


Please refer to: Police Raid Clubs in Tokyo Hosted by Porn Stars ad Arrest Managers - More Nonsense From the Police and Wasting Tax Money - Yes, There are Photos. Why Do You Ask?

On February 24, officers took managers Yuji Isa, 51, and Hiroaki Kato, 30, and two other employees of club Pippi, located in the Roppongi and Shinjuku entertainment areas, into custody for allowing female staff members to sit and serve at the same table as customers — a violation of the Law Regulating Adult Entertainment Businesses.

I thought that must be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard of; arresting managers because waitresses are sitting down on the job and talking to customers. 

Like I said, "I thought that must be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard of." Well, it's not. I was wrong. It's not even close to the stupidest thing. Today's topic is the stupidest thing... 

"Arrest that woman and bring her to me for proper disciplining!"

The asinine laws that went into effect last October make associating with Yakuza a crime. Yes, yes, blah, blah... But what does, "associating with Yakuza" mean? I checked Merriam-Webster dictionary for "Associate" it said:

Associate: (transitive verb)

1) to join as partner or friend

2) to join or connect together

3) to bring together into a relationship in any of various intangible ways (as in memory or imagination)

Ah! Number 3 is the tricky one. So, if you are living outside of Japan, and I live here and if you and I were to meet, you could associate me with the Yakuza because the Yakuza are from Japan too! See how this works?

Under these new laws, obviously written by people with the intelligence of chimpanzees, "associating with a Yakuza" is not limited to things like you being a card-holding gang member or their "friend" and hanging around with them at the billiard room; it's not limited to your driving in their getaway cars while they rob banks or standing around as watch out while they have "a problem in communication" and wind up roughing up uncooperative, er, "customers." It means that if you suspect that someone is a Yakuza, yet you treat them like anyone else, you could be fined or sent to prison.

These two guys played Yakuza in a movie. That means, under the definition of 

"associated" that they have something to do with the Yakuza, right?

No. I am not making that up. Think about that for a minute. What does that mean?

Let's say you run a, say, flower shop and you get a telephone order to deliver flowers to someone, if you know or suspect that the person is a Yakuza, and you fill that order, you could be in violation of the law and subject to arrest and penalties.

Don't believe me?

Testosterone Pit reports in, "No More Golf or Pizza for the Yakuza":

Tokyo's organized crime exclusionary laws went into effect in October—and they're already wreaking havoc. The laws criminalize doing business with bōryokudan ("violent group" or colloquially yakuza). In an ingenious twist, paying off the yakuza in an extortion racket is also a crime. Now restaurants have to stop paying protection money. Even victims of blackmail—hush money is an outright industry in Japan—commit a crime if they pay.

First, there's a warning. But if violations persist, authorities will add the business or person to a public list of perps who have a "close relationship" with the yakuza. Instant loss of face. And then the financial nightmare: customers flee, banks shut their doors, government agencies won't renew licenses, office leases get terminated—all based on the organized crime exclusionary clauses in their contracts. Individuals may lose their jobs, as comedian and TV host, Shimada Shinsuke, found out.

If contact with the yakuza continues despite all this, a person risks up to one year in the hoosegow and a fine of ¥500,000 ($6,400).

It hit the golf industry hard.

“If customers are yakuza, we ask them to leave even if they're in the middle of playing," said the general manager of Akabane Golf Club (Mainichi newspaper article in Japanese). He is also the chairman of the Council of Golf Clubs for the Expulsion of Organized Crime in Tokyo. How would he know if someone is a yakuza? "We refer the names of suspicious people to the police,” he said.

And the pizza delivery industry is in uproar. 

"We don't know if the address we deliver to is the place of a yakuza," said the Delivery Business Safety Driving Council. But don't panic. "One or two pizzas are OK,” the Council said, “but delivering a huge amount of pizza, knowing that the customer is a yakuza is a no-no." They're planning to invite police officers to a study meeting with restaurant owners.

Jesus! Is this stupid, or what? Are we living in Nazi Germany or, even worse, the United States? The guy who said, "How would he know if someone is a Yakuza or not?" is completely correct. It's not like underworld organization members wear a uniform everywhere they go or dress on the field like baseball players do. 

Also, since when is it the duty of the pizza delivery guy or a privately run business to determine if someone is a gangster or not? What if the guy's wife or kids answer the door? I don't think most kids have a clue as to what daddy does at work, especially in this country.

Delivered to you in under 30 minutes or you're under arrest!

Have you ever seen the 2001 movie Traffic? That was the movie with Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. She was the wife who had no idea that her husband was a drug trafficker and had gangland ties. Well, you know, it's not like people brag about being a Yakuza. Sure that was just a movie but that part is completely realistic. Most people who are involved with illegal activities don't advertise... Funny that. Whether those activities should be illegal or not is another story.

I'll bet many children, and some wives, of Yakuza might suspect but are not sure what "Daddy" does when he goes to work. I am pretty confident that when he comes home to relax he doesn't tell them, "Yeah, today was a tough day at gangster HQ. I had to break the knee-caps and elbows of three different people! Three! Can you believe it? Boy, I'm beat!"

These laws are idiocy. Total and complete idiocy.

I have also read somewhere else that this is actually a case of Japan's Amakudari whereby retired government officials, after retiring, take cushy jobs in the private sector. These new laws are actually designed to help those retired people (in this case retired formerly high ranking police officers) take jobs as a sort of "legal advisor" to privately run corporations to advise them as to how to handle the new laws. So they are, actually, a scam.

That makes sense to me. It makes sense because these laws are too stupid on their own to not have some sort of ulterior motive. There can be no other logical explanation for coercing the public and private businesses into supporting your local police department.

As government is wont to do, they will create a crisis where none exists and thee use that crisis as a way to get money. That's what government's do. In fact, it seems that is the only thing government is efficient at doing. 

Anyone who would buy a ticket to a Bon Jovi concert 

whether real or counterfeit, should be shot!

In the future I guess we'll have to show ID to prove that we're not gangsters in order to get a pizza or burger delivered to our door. Also to reinforce the point of how stupid this actually is, forget about deliveries; what happens if a gangster looking guys walks up to a counter at a McDonald's and orders a burger? Is the 18-year-old clerk to determine if he is a possible criminal or not?

God! his is so stupid on so many levels it makes me want to pull my hair out.

If the Japanese people and businesses put up with these asinine laws they'll be getting what they deserve in the near future. You can get a glimpse of that future by getting on an airplane and flying to the USA to see the lack of freedom those people have.

I'm going to do everything I can to fight this idiotic trend. I hope you will too. We don't need Japan to become like the United States more than it already has.